Note: This letter (below) is designed to call attention to an issue that may be a matter of “broken public integrity” which may require some rigorous re-thinking and effective compassion.
Dear Valley News,
Reading today (3/1/21 ) as a long-time subscriber to the Valley News about the ‘swirl’ regarding Andrew Cuomo compels me to write to you. My intent here does not actually have much to do with Andrew Cuomo, the person, Governor, man or candidate. Rather it has to do with some events and the interpretations of these events that are around him and affect him but more than that, affect all of us.
I work now as a transformational leadership coach, and have worked with thousands of men in the 1980s through the Sterling men’s weekend, played several sports competitively at a collegiate level on men’s teams, worked a good bit with my hands building a post-n-beam farm and being for a summer, a lumberjack, and have spent 3+years in prisons working with men, many of whom had mental health issues. I have had the privilege and challenge of working with lots of masculine energy, much that was constructive and some that was not.
I’m writing to say, to propose, that our media culture of public accusation may have reached a diminishing return, n o t just about sex to be sure, though, in this instance, I am referring to sexual accusations. Specifically, it seems as if accusation of almost anything sexual is being portrayed as harassment without clear guidelines as to what is meant, or without some worked-through baseline consensus as to what is appropriate and what is inappropriate, and in what c o n t e x t. Legitimate sexual harassment accusations and the legitimate concerns of Me Too, when exploited and enflamed by the media drama (which drama is apparently thought to drive its sales) have unfortunately taken certain legitimate concerns and seemingly turned them into an unthinking Crusade. Nowadays, all a person needs to do is accuse a person, almost always a man, of something sexually inappropriate, and the “damage” has already begun. When a friend of mine was accused quite easily and quite falsely of sexual impropriety in the 1980s, I learned about the dynamics of harassment when the accusation can itself become an harassment… The specific accusation was filed by a woman doctor regarding a social dinner where she was apparently on some kind of recreational drug and was very provocative with my friend and 3 others at a social dinner. The specific allegation she made, 18 months after the dinner and having given him in writing her name and personal data, was made contrary to having seemingly befriended my friend during that time. As it turns out, the accusation was made up, completely fabricated, and required 3-4 months of his money, time and stress to show…..prove… that the accusation was simply false as testified to by three eyewitnesses.
My point is n o t that accusers are necessarily not recounting events accurately, at least as they see them. Nor is my point that men never go over some line of welcome or consent. My point is that any kind of accusation is not always accurate, complete, and unbiased and very often the context (who what when where why how ) is not taken into account. Nonetheless, in this instance, this false accusation was upsetting to my friend, to say the least…….. And while statistics on any matter clearly do vary and rarely measure the exact same thing, he discovered at that time through the national crime statistics and FBI files that 21% to 31% of sexual crime accusations were proven to be false or clearly exaggerated. Dr. Eugene Kanin’s study in the 1990s of 110 rape accusations in a mid-West city over 10 years found 45 of the accusations were withdrawn voluntarily and had been registered because of interpersonal concerns and upsets between the “victim” and her parents or her boyfriend. (often, unresolved issues such as unwelcome pregnancies, or being betrayed by the boyfriend, or worried about parental disapproval of premarital intercourse ). 45 of 100 is 44%. Voluntarily withdrawn. Needless to say, the penalty for one of these false accusations actually taking hold can be up to 10 years in prison. That is a serious impact, as serious as any valid accusation.
Now here is the kicker: men for the most part do nothing about false or inaccurate accusations. Nothing. They shrug it off, or “take their medicine,” and go back to what is left of life and this kind of disengaged response is a disaster for all parties and invites continued behavior that’s seriously unaccountable.
There are very bright, educated women writers who are clear that the media presentation, in particular, of the Me Too and “cancel culture” may have gotten out of hand, and subverted the apparent intent to restore accountability and integrity, empathy, and compassion to resolving serious sexual transgressions. Apparently, just the accusation alone does the damage and this is now well-known. Camille Paglia, Mona Charem and Claire Berlinski are leading women writers who have written articulately about ending ‘the Warlock hunt,’ i.e., what has become a commonplace media practice of publicly shaming and “canceling “ men ( often, in an instant, diminishing careers with years of legitimate service and contribution ) for being sexually “inappropriate” vs. truly egregious, repeated, or demonstrably aggressive behaviors … Automatically pointing the shame and blame finger at men regarding an accusation is clearly no better than when it used to be pointed at some women being shamed and blamed as ‘sluts,’ ‘femme fatales,’ or ‘temptresses’. The media, especially the ever politically correct New York Times, apparently relish pointing a finger of shame and blame for any intimation of sexual misconduct. (Or for that matter, anything sexual ). This media one-sidedness does little to invite or restore trust, or to support healing wherever mistrust has occurred between men and women.
I am a committed citizen who has spent his whole life including people or attempting to. People in prisons, housing projects, the disabled, and the addicted, people of very different backgrounds, colors, orientations, vocations, neighborhoods, pretty much everywhere. I too have blind spots and am learning to be a better man each day……….. better professional, better husband, Dad, teammate, neighbor. Part of empowering someone is to challenge what does not work. One can certainly challenge the processes of the media and of the ‘cancel culture’ a n d very much be committed to empowering women. To empower I define as: to engage, to inspire and to equip. That said, in a larger context, American women are capable and resourceful, not “victims” even when ‘bad’ things befall them as bad things do happen to all of us. Empowering women (or for that matter the media) requires both challenging what doesn’t work and supporting what does. Empowering any human being (or organization) takes more than sympathy or merely helping someone out. It takes a stand, a commitment to be real, honest and straight, ongoingly.
Unless we want to make courtship, flirtation and any kind of sexual initiative ( or authentic sexual desire and attraction ) truly suspect, very risky, suppressed or even illegal, we had best re-visit and re-think the sometimes unthinking, automatic accusations of “sexual harassment” and more to the point, the reactive, automatic ‘cancel culture’ that often ensues and essentially steps over due process and genuine compassion. It is crystal clear to me that the insistent attention that the so-called “left” pays to the various sexual “shoulds,” the sexual political correctnesses, is fuel to the fire for more traditional men and women who resort to Trump to acknowledge their dissatisfactions. In large part this cohort may simply resent the presumptuousness of anyone unilaterally attempting to dictate or prescribe political or lifestyle ‘correctness’ to them, political “truth”, …. of any kind….’left,’ ‘right’ or ‘other.’
Maybe it is Time to work to restore integrity, empathy and authenticity to this domain that we seem to pay so much media attention to called: SEX. Maybe it is time to work to see that genuine Acknowledgment and Reconciliation of past behaviors produce far more humane and effective accountability than merely reflexive, automatic shame and Punishment. Maybe it is time to work to expand the trust and understanding between the sexes and reduce the automatic, reactive Shame and Punishment that women as well as men have known for a long time.
If you publish this Valley News, it says much about your integrity, fairness and courage. I request that you do so.
Tony Smith
Weathersfield, Vermont
